


find someone who hasn't

by renardroi



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Eiffel Has No Memories, Extremely Vague Descriptions of Violence, Kind of The Beach Episode, M/M, Post-Canon, Trauma Roadtrip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2019-05-08 22:07:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14703384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renardroi/pseuds/renardroi
Summary: the question comes out a little harsher than he intends but it's close to three in the morning and eiffel's been humming to himself in the passenger seat for an hour. it feels like they're both waiting for a conversation to just happen, to manifest itself naturally in the quiet din, but jacobi doesn't remember the last time he made small talk that didn't have an ulterior motive and eiffel doesn't remember much of anything.(fic for w359 rbb)





	find someone who hasn't

**Author's Note:**

> howdy! this is a fic I did for the "Wolf 359 Reverse Big Bang", prompted by some wonderful art by [nastygaygoblin](http://nastygaygoblin.tumblr.com/). check out their stuff, it's great! their art will be featured in the fic.
> 
> special thanks also to my qpp, jude.
> 
>  **disclaimer:** I haven't been to dillon beach in like 7 fucking years and don't know a goddamn thing about architecture. I did, however, research sea breezes so that should be accurate.

"do you even know how to surf?"

the question comes out a little harsher than he intends but it's close to three in the morning and eiffel's been humming to himself in the passenger seat for an hour. it feels like they're both waiting for a conversation to just happen, to manifest itself naturally in the quiet din, but jacobi doesn't remember the last time he made small talk that didn't have an ulterior motive and eiffel doesn't remember much of anything.

which is the problem, kind of.

jacobi can tell that eiffel is...uncomfortable. it's not that eiffel doesn't like minkowski or hera, but even jacobi has noticed the way they talk around eiffel. all of them trying to decide what to talk about and what to protect eiffel from. worse still is the way that minkowski and lovelace mention almost _anything_ and sneak glances at eiffel. waiting. expecting...something.

now jacobi's not exactly a saint in this regard - or any - but unlike them, he prefers to avoid problems until they sneak up on him and shoot him in the leg. or catch him sneaking out with all of his crap a month after they get planetside. eiffel confesses the yawning empty history he has keeps him up, jacobi does not admit that he doesn't belong here and he has to find something to do or he's going to explode.

his original plan was maybe slinking back to san francisco and picking up where he left off before goddard got involved, but when eiffel asks where he's going it feels like the wrong thing to say, and there's a specific memory of a specific beach that's been haunting him so he says that instead - he's going to go sit on the beach and see the ocean. a lie that becomes true when eiffel inexplicably inserts himself into jacobi's plan.

it's just a temporary change of pace for eiffel, and they make a mutual pact to not ask more then three personal questions a day, so jacobi reluctantly lets him come along on his trauma roadtrip.

they're still headed for california, just a bit more north than he planned. a stretch of beach with just a stupid amount of sand. just an endless supply of the stuff. sand dunes and reedy grass as far as the eye can see. of course, the main stretch of dillon beach was dominated by visiting campers, but they could be avoided if they sidled either up or down the coast.

eiffel was more excited about it being a beach than jacobi was - although, he couldn't really fault him for it, since eiffel kind of hadn't seen a beach before; not that he could recall - so as soon as they made it into california eiffel had tracked down the closest store that sold surfboards.

and that left them here.

"do you even know how to surf?" it's kind of a rhetorical question but the silence afterwards is uncomfortable. jacobi blames the heat that the small car's ac can't chase away, and the close quarters made even more close with a surfboard shoved into what little space they had left. eiffel keeps bumping his shoulder into it.

"I don't think so," eiffel answers after a long moment. daniel can't tell if he had been really trying to remember or if he'd been trying to think of something to say. after a second, he continues, with a wry tone in his voice. "does that count as a personal question?"

"ha." there's little humor in the laugh. "if it feels personal, sure."

"it does - a little." eiffel turns away from the window to look askew at jacobi.  

it takes several awkward seconds before he realizes he should say something. something about the situation has him anxious. waiting for the other shoe to drop. but he apologizes anyways, long after it feels like it's too late to do so.

 

* * *

 

eiffel doesn't use any of his questions until they're four hours from the beach, delaying the end of the trip by lounging in a starbucks in the middle of absolutely nowhere. this is the only rest stop for miles and looking north and seeing nothing but the distant, flat horizon - no trees, no mountains - is kind of novel. neither of them have showered in a day or two, and they smell very much like two people who have been stuck in a car for hours or days - but everyone else here (save the employees) looks pretty much the same.

daniel has his face pressed into the lid of his coffee. it's too hot to drink but maybe he can absorb the caffeine through vapors and the thin plastic barrier protecting him.

"how do you know this beach?"

"are you asking -" he peels himself away from the warm plastic to look less like an idiot and a little more serious. "- or are you using a question?"

jacobi tries to catch his traveling companions gaze but it's a little difficult. eiffel is flighty with eye contact. it doesn't really matter though.

"uhh...can I use half a question?"

"half? well - sure. sure, fine." he takes a cautious sip of his coffee to stall. "I. had a job in the area a long time ago. I went back once like a couple years ago but didn't really stay long. how's that?"

"that's fine." there's a hint of a smile on eiffel's face and he takes that as a cue to relax. it's fine.

he doesn't need to worry about offending eiffel with his past. probably. it wasn't going to stop him from being cautious, but it seemed like there was more concern coming from jacobi's end, really. he has to make an effort to stop viewing the silence as awkward and see it instead as...companionable. friendly silence. normal.

"what are you thinking about?"

jacobi stands and stretches, before hunching his shoulders again and hugging his coffee close. the lie comes quickly. "thinking about the 4 more hours in the car that we still have ahead of us. maybe we should get going? it'd be nice to be near water before it gets to be over a hundred degrees."

 

* * *

  

the beach is bigger than he remembered. they drove through a idyllic little town full of cute shops and two-story cape cod homes set into the hills, and then it was there. and they hadn't even made it to the water yet. they precariously park the car on the side of the road, just hoping that the weird, hardy grasses keeping the ground together won't let it sink into the sand and disappear.

it's a little bit before camping season, so the beach isn't crowded, but it definitely isn't empty.

they deliberate for a little bit, trying to decide if it's worth it to get back into the car and look for the back road jacobi had been down before. right now, the answer is definitely. neither of them really want to see people - or be seen - and risk having to make conversation.

so they reluctantly get back into the car and drive north - and the beach just keeps going. they find _a_ road, and it's difficult to tell whether or not this is the one jacobi remembers. it's the middle of the day this time and it's been years, so he can't be blamed really. in any case it guides them away from people, and it's worth it even if they do have to park the car and hike fifteen minutes to get back to the ocean.

worth it even if eiffel's too concerned about holding onto his giant surfboard, and jacobi has to drag him up and over a couple of sand dunes.

a massive, empty beach and the sun finally starting to warm things up. that's worth the long drive, the stilted silence, meandering through months of sitcom-style housemate weirdness with the crew of the hephaestus, and - more importantly - the attempts at dismantling the shell of a regime left behind by pryce and cutter.

 

 

* * *

 

"maybe we can just stay here and eat crayfish - for like a month." jacobi suggests once eiffel's tired himself out trying to figure out how to stay afloat on a surfboard.

"I thought you said you needed a license to catch stuff here."

"you also need a license to drive. that doesn't mean -"

eiffel interrupts him, sitting up quickly and looking bewildered, "you don't have a _license_?"

"well," jacobi shrugs as casually as he can, trying to cover up his surprise at eiffel's outburst, "it expired while we were in space. and we were busy. I still know how to _drive_."

"it's illegal!"

"you and I have very different priorities." jacobi tells him while handing him a drink. "driving with an expired license seems like...the least of our problems."

eiffel presses the nearly-lukewarm drink into his skin, thinking. jacobi wills himself to not mention eiffel's perhaps sordid past out of politeness, and hopefully his trauma roadtrip companion is doing the same. hopefully. because, if not, jacobi will definitely lose any kind of virtuousness contest.

"hey. can I ask a question?" eiffel asks after a minute or so of quiet.

jacobi grits his teeth but still manages to say _sure_ quickly enough.

"do you have friends? like - you know - obviously you had a friend - or friends - I don't know. but outside of work...it just seems like you haven't tried to talk to anyone since we got back."

"uh. no." he thinks maybe he's supposed to feel some kind of shame about this, about not having a life outside of his work but really he wouldn't have had a life without his work, so if he feels anything it's grief. for who he's lost. and maybe some anger, directed at eiffel for bringing it up. it was his idea, though, to allow the questions, so he has to follow through with it. "nope. no friends. maxwell was my friend."

"you don't really strike me as the workaholic type." eiffel's small smirk is the only thing that clues him in to the fact that this is meant as a joke.

"I can't answer that unless you're using another question." no reply. jacobi tries to change the subject quickly, "anyways, I guess that means you guys are my 'friends' now. or reluctant roommates at least."

"aw, we're friends - I think?"

this seems like an invitation - one that jacobi's not sure he should accept. there's too many things that can go wrong. eiffel can't _really_ understand all of what jacobi's responsible for. once he and the general public learn the details...well, it's better for him to stay out of the limelight. which was his aim with leaving, along with revisiting some of the tragedy of his past, but now he's out here in california sipping soda - god, he missed soda - with the star of their crusade. the biggest example of the tragedy what pryce and cutter and goddard futuristics hath wrought.

jacobi sighs and gets up off his towel. "yeah we're friends. do you want to get the tent out? maybe set it up over in some of the grass?"

"sleepover on the beach? hell yeah."

 

* * *

 

"are you looking for something?"

they're walking along the beach as the light starts to fade. eiffel's probably asking because jacobi keeps stopping and looking around at the view, trying to see if he remembers it.

"huh? no." he pulls his hat further down on his head, trying to keep his ears warm as the sun going down means the wind is blowing out towards the ocean, and moves on. he doesn't have to look at eiffel's face to know that he looks doubtful. jacobi sighs, "fine - yes. but it's the second half of that question you asked, and you may not like the answer."

eiffel considers it, his face screwed up in the thoughtful expression. it's alien on his face.

"it can't be that bad."

"sure."

"maybe...it'll be good to talk about it? you don't have to answer. only answer if you have a question for me. ha, you know? I don't want you to feel left out."

suspiciously nice. jacobi stops to take in the view again, using small patches of grass to keep his footing. "I'll ask my question first."

"yeah! go ahead. you've still got two, so hit me."

"are you glad you can't remember?" he almost tries to clarify, but eiffel sighs immediately and that makes it pretty clear he understands the question.

"sometimes. it's hard - listening to the recordings? but it's probably not half as hard as living it." he pauses, shoving his hands into his pockets and looking away, almost shameful. "other times...no. I should feel bad. for his - for _my_ daughter. my daughter. if I remembered, instead of just knowing about it, maybe I'd feel bad instead of just feeling bad for eiffel. for _that_ eiffel. you know?"

jacobi nods, even though he really can't know. not at all.

eiffel sighs again. "and then - the others; renée and hera and isabel. sometimes I wish I could remember for them. they look at me...like they're waiting for me to remember something, but I _can't_. I _try_ to remember things, like maybe if I just think about something he talked about...if I think about it hard enough, maybe I'll remember."

"...but you don't."

"no. nothing. I don't even have dreams about it." he shrugs and forces a smile, clearly trying to force himself back into a happy-go-lucky attitude. "even my sub-conscious - or whatever - doesn't remember."

"I almost died here," jacobi starts, helpfully taking the attention off of eiffel, who looks grateful for it, "I said I worked here, right? I did. for goddard. for SI-5. it was just a quick job here in the area. some rich business dude - it doesn't really matter. uh, but you saw the cliffs back there?

I got cornered there, injured, had to abandon all my gear - ugh, so stupid. it was _my_ fault. I left my gear, including comms, and then was just wandering through the hills and all the dunes here, bleeding out and trying to make sure the people after me couldn't find me but also make sure that - that - well, that kepler could find me."

utterly confused, eiffel nods along, listening hard to the story. jacobi's acutely aware of just how crazy this story is to someone who's not in his same line of work. it sounds fake, it sounds ridiculous and he shouldn't be nervously laughing about being shot but he is. that's his life. or was.

"anyways," he says, trying to wrap up the story. eiffel doesn't want to hear how relieved he was to see kepler and jacobi doesn't want to say it. "I guess I'm looking for where I almost died. which is pretty....stupid. maybe we should head back. I'm sure there's a place in town with stuff for s'mores."

"probably. but it's not stupid." eiffel elbows him. "that's probably normal, right? like what happened isn't normal but going back and seeing where something...significant happened. maybe that's closure. it could be your closure."

jacobi raises an eyebrow. "closure for what?"

"what do you mean?"

"I mean, what needs closure?"

"your...job? your whole life for the past however many years." he slips in the sand while he's talking, but it doesn't lighten the mood in the slightest. "that's ending. everyone - we all kinda need closure. we lost like everything."

"oh." jacobi stops, stumped. he hadn't...thought about this. sure, he'd thought about the fact that he'd lost his friend, his job, and more - he's back to where he started, years ago in san francisco - but he'd mostly been trying to figure out how to keep going; get free, get back to earth, get rid of goddard futuristics. he hadn't stopped for...closure. as he's standing there, blinking at the view, he suddenly realizes something. "oh. I think this is it."

"this is what?"

"the spot."

eiffel looks around, at the horizon and the buildings way, way out there. jacobi glances around at the sand beneath him, almost like he's expecting to find a pool of blood. evidence that he was here, and he almost died, but he lived instead.

there's nothing of course. everything's been swept away or buried. the landscape barely looks the same.

he's not sure if he's disappointed or if he's relieved - and then eiffel sits down in the sand and pats the ground next to him, inviting jacobi to do the same. when he does sit down, sighing to himself, eiffel scoots closer and gives him an awkward one-armed hug. it's pretty silly, and probably not a significant gesture of sympathy and kindness, but for some reason jacobi instantly lets every ounce of tension in his body sink into the sand and disappear.

they spend a while there, at least until the sand goes from warm to bone-chillingly cold, and then after an age eiffel speaks up again.

"did you say there's s'mores?"

 

* * *

 

jacobi doesn't end up using his last question. eiffel does, though, after they retrieve supplies for s'mores, make a less-than legal campfire - jacobi tries to explain that they're probably not even camping legally but he's not sure if this makes it better or worse for eiffel - and then settle into their military-grade sleeping bags after dinner and dessert. technically, it might be the first question of the next day, but jacobi's purposefully hidden his phone and his watch somewhere and they haven't gone to bed yet.

it's pitch black in their tent, and he's comfortably warm, close to falling asleep, when eiffel rolls over very loudly and stage whispers to jacobi.

"hey. are you awake?"

jacobi sighs, but that's enough of a yes for eiffel so he continues on like a conversational battering ram.

"can I use my third question?"

he doesn't answer for a second, but he feels eiffel poking his shoulder insistently, and jacobi turns to face him. "sure. why not?"

"okay. uhh..." eiffel hesitates long enough that jacobi settles back into his sleeping bag, closing his eyes and drifting off again. "can I...kiss you?"

" _what_?" the word almost comes out slurred with grogginess as jacobi's eyes snap open, searching for eiffel's face. he still hasn't adjusted to the darkness, though, only able to see the vague shape of a person's face.

"can I kiss you - you don't have to, I just thought - this whole trip? you let me go along and -"

"eiffel, that's not a personal question what are you talking about?"

he can hear the frown in eiffel's voice as he replies, "well, I don't know. I just thought - I didn't know how to bring it up, okay?"

the sad tone makes jacobi feel bad for stalling while he tries to process this. is this romantic? being covered in sand, not showering for a couple of days, and talking about almost dying aren't exactly what he thinks of when it comes to romance, but it's not like he's an expert, so he tries not to sound rude while he asks _why_ , baffled, "didn't you hear the story about how I almost died because I was doing illegal things?"

there's a rustling sound as eiffel shrugs. "well. I don't know. it's like you said. seems like the least of our problems, and you're nice _now_. I've only known you being nice and I like the daniel I know."

"stupid," jacobi says a little breathlessly. his breathing is...weird. "stupid...it's not - I'm - it's not a good reason."

"I think it's a pretty good reason. is that a yes?"

"sure?"


End file.
